How to Make Writing Less Painful by Reframing Expectations
The year was 2014. I was so excited to visit Seattle, the city of Starbucks, Orca whales, Grey’s Anatomy, Sleepless in Seattle, and the Space Needle.
Driving northbound on i5 from Portland, my girlfriends and I were thrilled to spend the weekend in the Emerald City. One of my favorite things about road trips is watching city skylines come into view. About 40-minutes out, I kept my eyes on the horizon, eagerly awaiting my first glimpse of the iconic, towering Space Needle.
Eventually, the skyline came into view, and my eyes scanned the city for its most prized piece of architecture.
And then I saw it… slightly further off from the main skyline stood a short, steel tower topped with a flying saucer.
I gripped the steering wheel, my eyes growing wide. “It’s a lie,” I whispered to my friends. “The Space Needle is a LIE!”
Let me explain…
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You see – this was my first time visiting Seattle. My ideas about the Space Needle all came from TV shows like Grey’s Anatomy and stock imagery of the Seattle skyline, with the building strategically photographed as if it towers over the city.
I expected a TALL structure looming over Seattle, the way the Sears Tower or Empire State Building soar over their respective downtowns.
The Space Needle is nowhere NEAR as tall as the other skyscrapers in Seattle, no matter what the fancy drone footage in Grey’s Anatomy or stock photos may portray.
I spent the rest of the ride into the city dramatically joking and complaining about being sold a lie. But the truth is…
It’s not the Space Needle’s fault it’s not as tall as the Empire State Building. The Space Needle or Seattleites themselves have never claimed it to be an Empire State Building equivalent.
It’s not the Space Needle’s or Seattle’s fault that I was disappointed.
It’s my fault (and maybe the fault of those fancy photographers).
I had a distorted expectation of what the space needle should be, and that spoiled my experience of seeing a truly gorgeous and iconic piece of architecture for the first time.
My expectations were not aligned with what is. And that created suffering and disappointment.
The Space Needle is one of the coolest buildings I’ve ever seen. It’s iconically Seattle. It’s a completely different beast from the Empire State Building or the Sears Tower, which look like traditional skyscraper buildings.
On top of its iconic look, here are some awe-inspiring facts about the Space Needle:
It’s built to withstand a 9.0 magnitude earthquake
It can hold up against a category 5 hurricane with winds up to 200mph.
The top of the space needle ROTATES and is home to the world’s only rotating glass floor.
That’s pretty spectacular.
The Space Needle is in an architectural class all its own. Who gives a crap about its height or that it doesn’t tower over the rest of Seattle?
So yeah, that’s a pretty silly story, and I was definitely playing up my disappointment to goof off with my girlfriends on a road trip.
But we do this a lot, right?
We have certain expectations of how life should be. And we end up missing out on all the cool things like a giant flying saucer with a rotating glass floor.
We especially do this with writing.
You expect the first page of your novel to be perfect and publication-ready on the first draft.
You expect to sit down and write without being interrupted by your partner, a text message, your kids, or an email from the boss.
You expect the first agent you pitch to reply immediately with an eager and enthusiastic, YES YES! You’re the writer I’ve been looking for.
Then, things don’t turn out as expected.
The first chapter of your novel is a little wobbly.
You sit down to write and immediately your boss calls with an urgent project.
It takes a grueling 6 weeks for that dream agent to get back to you and she replies, “Sorry, this isn’t what I’m looking for right now.” To add insult to injury, she adds: “Your characters feel a bit cliche.”
OUCH! Of course, you’re disappointed! You’re human!
The suffering happens when you add negative or black & white meaning on top of the disappointment. Those stories might look like…
That agent rejected me, which means I’m a no-talent hack and should never write another word.
That agent rejected me, so she’s an asshole and doesn’t “get” my brand of genius.
In Buddhism, these stories are called the “Second arrow,” a concept I learned from meditation teacher, Andy Hobson.
The first arrow is the circumstance itself (what is): The agent rejected you and it hurts.
The second arrow is the negative story you layer on top of the situation––on top of what is.
The good news is…. We can soften that first arrow by changing our expectations.
We can completely avoid the second arrow by choosing a different story to tell about what happened.
The second arrow is where suffering happens.
The second arrow keeps us down. It keeps us stuck, bleeding, and suffering.
The saddest part is, we’re entirely in control of that 2nd arrow. As Taylor Swift says, we’re the archer and the prey.
We get to choose. We get to choose our expectations AND the stories we layer over how things actually turn out.
To be clear, I’m not advocating to push down or fight off negative thoughts or feelings. I’m absolutely not advocating for you to have a sunnier disposition around toxic circumstances like abuse, racism, sexism, or discrimination.
I’m definitely not saying we are always the cause of our own personal suffering, because just one glance at history tells us that’s a lie. Anger, sadness, disappointment, and other painful emotions are real and valid. So there’s a lot of gray area when doing this type of work.
But when it comes to our writing, it can be very helpful to play with expectations and the idea of the “second arrow” to make the process more joyful so we feel empowered to achieve our creative goals.
So if you’re struggling with disappointment, self-doubt, or your writing isn’t living up to your expectations, here are some questions to journal on, inspired by Byron Katie’s “The Work”:
What am I expecting from this situation, and how can I soften, change, or remove that expectation?
Here’s an example:
Expectation: The first draft of this chapter should come out perfect and this will be the version that appears in the final version of the novel.
Softened expectation: My intention for the first draft of this chapter is to play, have fun, and discover the story. Like Terry Pratchett says “The first draft is just you telling yourself the story.”
What story am I layering over this situation? Am I judging myself or others as wrong, bad, or flawed? (Hint: this is the second arrow).
Here’s an example:
Situation: I wrote the first chapter of my novel and it’s awkward and confusing. Story: That means I’m a no-talent hack and don’t have what it takes to write a great novel.
What’s a different story I can tell about this situation?
Here’s an example of a different story:
I wrote the first chapter of my novel and it’s awkward and confusing. This is normal for 99% of writers, and now I have words, characters, and images to play with like a sculptor molding clay –– this is FUN!
Here’s an example of a different story with a softened expectation:
I wrote the first chapter of my novel and had so much fun telling myself the story. It’s awkward and confusing, and now I have more material and knowledge to work with tomorrow when I dive back in.
The next time you get down on yourself or wish your writing or life was different than it actually is, try playing with those questions in your journal or talking them out with a trusted friend. I guarantee you’ll feel more expansive and excited to dive back into your writing and enjoy the process rather than stewing in the suffering of the second arrow.
Before we close out, how would it feel to be in a community of like-hearted writers doing this work together?
How would it feel to have a coach and community you check in with every week to stay on top of your writing goals?
How would it feel to know you have a coach and community in your corner to remind you that writing can be joyful and nourishing?
If the story and exercises in this video resonated with you, you’re probably a good fit for the Joyful Writers Circle: A Creative Incubator to Help You Find Your Flow, Feel Good, & Free the Creative Writer Inside.
The JWC is an exclusive, high-touch coaching membership that combines the personal touch of 1-1 coaching and the collective power of group coaching to create an atmosphere of deep learning and transformation.
I invite you to download the Joyful Writers Circle fact sheet to learn all about the membership: What’s inside, who’s it for, how it works, the financial investment, and much more.
If you notice yourself saying, “This is perfect for me! I want in!” while you’re reading the fact, book a free Make It Shine Assessment with me to start your application and get all your questions answered about The Joyful Writers Circle.
That’s all from me today. Thank you so much for reading, and write on!